And the painted ponies go up and down

Well, the last time I wrote I was having a bad week. I am writing today to happily report that I rode the wave through that week and it was followed by a significantly better one. There were several moments in this last week where I experienced some interpersonal tension and I challenged myself to listen to my gut and confront those situations head on. I think that some of my bad mojo last week was due some of these tensions building in both personal and professional domains and my growing awareness that they could not be ignored until they passed.

There is a great freedom in confronting and expressing oneself so long as one does not go into such situations with the expectation that they will resolve in a particular way. I had two instances this week where I had to confront issues with individuals and they did not completely respond according to the script in my mind, but I was able to hear their reactions, reflect them, and and move on without taking it personally. This might sound really simplistic to some of you reading this. For me, this is a freaking momentous moment. I have only started to be aware of how hard I try to make everyone around me feel satisfied, and how guilty and disappointed I feel when they are not....even when their dissatisfaction has little or nothing to do with my actions. I take a lot of crap personally. I feel things with an annoying intensity. I am learning to not take things so seriously.

I also used a strategy that helped me this week. When I had a negative interaction with someone, I made my best attempt to counter it with several intentionally positive ones with others. Someone said something crappy to me...so when I got to my next meeting, I found something to compliment that person on. I smiled and stopped to speak to the person bagging my groceries. I happily waved several people into my lane on the bad interchange on the 101. When I got home, I tried to listen 60% and talk 40% with my husband to show him that I care. I called my brother to tell him that I love him. There is no better medicine for the pain that comes with being treated crappy than keeping that crap to yourself and not letting it contaminate the rest of your environment. I mean, sometimes it is immensely helpful to process these things when they happen. I think that they key for me is being keenly aware of the feeling I am having and then giving myself permission to let go of it...knowing it will hang out and poke me for a while but that I have already acknowledged it and have decided to move forward...even if I go in a circle and come back to it later.

Pause: Aloha

For those of you that are more familiar with my story, it is obvious that Hawaii is a cause for pause for me. Not because it is a gorgeous natural wonderland that inspires slowing down the pace of our lives (which it is), but because I have complicated feelings wrapped up in the chapter of my life that took place there. Geoff and I decided to take our summer vacation in Hawaii, and this served several purposes: 1) fulfilling my lifelong dream of seeing Volcanoes National Park, 2) relaxing/adventuring somewhere tropical together and 3) having what we might technically call a "corrective emotional experience" (okay, yes, I am a Psychologist) of being in this place of beauty that holds a lot of weird feelings for me.

Our pause in Hawaii ended up being one of the best things we have ever done together. Big Island is a pretty magical place, and it was a perfect location to have definitive Ward-style fun involving a combination of adventure-athletic activity and generous napping-eating. On the trip, I tried to focus on being in the moment with the love of my life--and had several moments where I found myself taking mental pictures and trying to seal them in my memory. For example:

And also:

I can actually recall the first time I ever did this. It was the early eighties, I was about 6 years old. I was sitting in the passenger seat of our old brown Nova, driving through downtown Cresson and Phil Collins "Tonight" was playing on the radio. I remember passing by the John Deere dealer and feeling supremely happy and at peace, and actually saying a prayer to the Virgin Mary that went "Please let me remember this". Apparently, this request was granted as I can remember not only the circumstances but the tenor of the feeling in that moment like it was yesterday. The strange part of this is that it was at not-the-greatest-time-of-my-life in an objective sense, but it helps me to know that even when times were hard for my family that I was a happy child who loved life and felt grateful for moments. Maybe, in fact, that moment was one of my first pauses.

Anyhow, I tried to do this in Hawaii as I took in the stunning views of the cliffs and the deep blue water and the lava fields. There was a moment when Geoff was walking in the distance when we were the only people on a remote black sand beach in Waipio Valley that I offered up the same silent prayer, this time in perhaps a more vague spiritual sense, saying "Let me remember this". And what did I want to remember this time? The feeling of overwhelming love for my husband, for the gratitude of finding myself again after the losses I suffered in Hawaii round 1, and the feeling of separateness from the busyness that defines my daily life. Sometimes it is easy to get confused and feel like that busyness and the the things that occupy our time are "who we are"--and it takes getting far away from those demands to help me remember that I am more than what I do all day at work. Being on a remote beach, feeling the drizzle of rain and the warm wind with no sounds of civilization to distract me--I was reminded of the me quiet part of me that speaks in whispers to tell me what really matters.

Pausing is not easy. And not just because it is functionally hard to find time to do. Pausing can be hard because it is an introspective process and sometimes it is hard to look at myself. I am not always pleased with what I find in the pause. When I stop and look at myself and my thought patterns and my decisions I sometimes feel ashamed. My perfectionism has room to stretch its legs and walk all over me. I guess that getting better at pausing means pushing past those initial critical judgments and seeing the deeper part of me that is worthy of kindness, forgiveness, love and care. I deserve to take care of myself, to allow others to take care of me. Likewise, I am finding myself more conscious of the words I use with others. I am trying very hard to be positive, complimentary, kind. I am trying to create positive energy around me. Unfortunately of late I have been feeling like the more I do this, the more vulnerable I feel and maybe feeling more aware of how crappy some people treat me. I have also gotten a fair dose of difficult work feedback lately and I don't know if it is just that I am feeling it more sharply because of my level of awareness or if somehow the pause is not working at all...in that the feedback implies a dearth of self-awareness. I don't know what to do about this. It is kind of like by being more present, I am able to see when people are being crappy and it stings more than when I am distracted and just pushing through. I feel like there is some wise person that has written a book on this topic, and I need their book. How does one remain open, honest, kind and generous of oneself while accepting that people crap on you? Advice, please.

So this has been quite an introspective and vulnerable post. But so be it. I guess that is where I am at in this pausing business. (Also, Geoff is out of town in Vegas and I am home alone which is giving me time to ponder these things...)

Here I am. Please don't crap on me.