Pause on my head

I am writing to reflect on the fact that August has maintained its pattern of being the busiest month of my year, but that there is one distinct way in which this August has been different.....

I feel generally very calm. And happy.

Maybe this has something to do with the fact that I have been getting better at this whole pause thing. Basically, I  have loosened up. I feel like I am settling into my life, into myself. This is probably in part due to my conscious efforts over the last few months to be more mindful and in-the-moment in my life. However, I think my ability to do so is in part because I am savoring every minute of this life that I have created. At times in my life where I was uptight, the circumstances around me were....less than savory. I suppose that one is supposed to get used to  savoring even the bitter aspects of life, but pausing to look around is certainly easier when you are surrounded by love and other goodness.

I still battle a lot of guilt whenever I take time to do things for myself or things that are not work in the evenings or on the weekend. I blame a lot of those feelings on the strict, competitive academic life that I led for more than a decade that demanded 100 hours a week of me in order for me to keep my head above water with my responsibilities. Sometimes it feels like I am teaching myself to be lazy. Is that crazy? I have to TEACH MYSELF to be lazy. And then TALK MYSELF OUT OF shaming myself for not working hard enough. This is insane when I type it out....which is probably why it is best that I do so. It makes me reflect on how ridiculous it is and helps me let it go.

Anyhow, I am getting good at the relaxed weekend thang. I have run 3 trainings this month, which holds no meaning to most of you who don't understand what those weeks look like. They are intense. They demand a ton of energy and because I am not able to attend to my other job during the day, I end up working long hours at night once I return home. Typically, I would work all weekend to try to "catch up". This month, I have created weekend space. Last weekend, I had a lot of work that was not absolutely pressing but was sitting on my plate. I could have worked 8 hours both Saturday and Sunday trying to finish it. What did I do instead?

--Lazed around in a variety of hot saunas and tubs for several hours with my friend Kristy
--Spontaneously signed up for a bookbinding class at my local independent bookstore, made an adorable journal out of bingo cards and old maps, drank tea and ate cookies with a bunch of friendly ladies
--Ate a long lunch at Le Pain Quotidian with my Geoff
--Took a long neighborhood bike ride with Geoff, felt like I was back in elementary school
--Went out to see our friend Travis play at the Mint, ended up staying and dancing into the night to Los Pinguous (kind of Argentinian folk groove band)
--Shopped the farmer's market
--Cleaned out our house of all toxic chemical products and toxic cosmetic products
--Played a hiarious Par 3 golf game with Louise & Amber
--Read the paper, Napped

This, my friends, is an achievement in non-work. The neurotic part is that I felt guilty at least 10 times about the fact that I was not working on something for work. My proudest moment of the weekend was when my boss called me at 8am on Sunday and asked me to come into the office and I SAID NO. WHAT!? Yes, that is right. I said no to my boss. I recognized that I needed time to spend with my husband and to relax my mind before going into a second straight week of training, and I stood my ground. And guess what? He respected my decision. My fears of him thinking I am a lazy loser did not come true as far as I can tell.

Anyhow, my pausing has gained momentum. I have gone to yoga three times this week. Tonight, I did my first ever headstand. EVER! And I felt amazing, because I felt totally connected to my body. Geoff even went with me on Sunday and it was lovely. This past weekend I went to the beach with him and watched him play volleyball and did one of my favorite things--I ran along the water for a couple of miles in perfect 75 degree temperatures. I have been going to bed before 10. I have also been taking major moves towards improving my nutrition and have been doing a lot of reading on the topic. As a part of this effort, I have managed the self-care victory of eating breakfast every day this month (total revolution for me) and snacking every 3 hours on healthy foods. My whole body is smiling.